Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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