i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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