You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
