I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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