My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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