Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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