i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
