i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
