Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
