i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
