get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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