How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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