apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
