This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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