$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You need a sexual gate keeper
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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