Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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