I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
