i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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