Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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