Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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