Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
