Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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