Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I look excited, but its just a facade.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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