What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
