The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
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I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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