Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
