i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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