You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
