he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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