Umm I'm too high to move.
Welp...herpes.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
