What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
