She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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