His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
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Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
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He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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