I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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