Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
