That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
