my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
