My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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