Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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