He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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