Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
