I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
