I just saw a hot homeless man
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
