we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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