When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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