I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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