best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
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Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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