I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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