Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
