I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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