my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
