i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
