they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
