I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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